King Kitts and the Hired Queen

A Comedy Fairy Tale

This very silly little story was inspired by my favourite band, flor, and a goofy Twitter thread including the image above. The guitarist of the band, McKinley Kitts, joked after a solo trip to Medieval Times that they found someone to pose with him for his photo. This prompted flor's bassist, Dylan Bauld, to respond, "he's not the king we wanted, nor the king we needed, but, alas, he's the king we were given. fetch him a queen." After another fan, Cassidy, asked that someone write that story, I couldn't resist.

This was originally published in the back of my self-published novel Four O'Clock, which was inspired by flor's first album. Check it out on my published work page if you're curious about that.

King Kitts sat in his parlour, frowning at his guests. “So none of you are available to come to the jousting tournament with me?” Each of the noblemen in the room was a friend he’d known for years, and he was unimpressed that they all had plans on the day he wanted some company. He absently rubbed the head of the yellow Labrador retriever on the couch beside him, waiting for a response.

On Kitts’ left, Baron Zachary Grace of the province of Flor spread his hands apologetically. “I’m sorry, King Kitts. The Autumn Bloom festival begins that day, and you know how important that is to my people. It would be highly offensive for me to skip the opening ceremonies.”

Next to Grace, Duke Kyle Hill nodded. “I’m busy as well. We’re preparing for Duchess Aspen’s birthday, and I have a lot left to do.”

The others had similar excuses: Count Dylan Bauld and the Lost Boy Crow were occupied with an effort to reduce the amount of crime that took place on their shared border, between Bauld’s province of Mes Syhair and the forest realm over which Crow reigned. Marquis Matthew Hooper would be travelling, making his annual trip out to all of the royal messenger outposts he managed for the kingdom of Sunderland.

“We’re sorry, McKinley,” Crow said from his perch near the fireplace. A mysterious being shrouded in magic and far removed from common society, he had no use for titles or propriety, referring to his noble friends by their given names. “It seems you may have to attend your tournament alone.”

Kitts sighed. “Speaking of…” He glanced down at his dog, clearly already tired of the topic on his mind. “My advisors want to unveil a new royal portrait at the end of the tournament, since I haven’t had a new one in several years, and they’re all making such a big deal about me being alone in it. ‘Your father before you was married by this age!’ they keep complaining.” Standing up, he crossed the parlour to the far wall and pointed at the paintings he had hung there. “So three months ago, I had my painter, Master Payne, paint a portrait of me with my dogs. But no – my advisors said that it made me look like I care more about animals than I do about my people.” He sighed and moved to the next portrait. “Two months ago, I had Master Payne paint a portrait of me with my siblings. I thought it showed that I valued family, but no, my advisors claimed it looked like I was trying to remind my people of my line of succession, which is a ‘strange and worrisome’ thing to do in peacetime.” He held up finger quotes and rolled his eyes before moving to the last painting. “And as you all know, last month, I had Master Payne paint a portrait of me standing with all of you, my closest friends – to emphasise the strength of our unity and show what good company I keep. But no, this wouldn’t do either; my advisors say that with so many people in the painting, I no longer seem like a strong and independent king.”

Defeated, Kitts returned to his couch and the company of his dogs. “They keep saying it’s time for me to get a queen. But I don’t need a queen! I’m quite happy with things the way they are!” he complained.

“Maybe,” Crow suggested mischievously, “You should get a fake queen.” His feathered cloak whispered against the floor as he crossed the room, leaning against the back of Kitts’ couch and resting his head on his folded hands with a grin.

Kitts looked up at him in confusion. “A fake queen?” he asked skeptically. “I doubt I’ll be able to pull that off. I don’t even know who’d be willing to be my fake queen.”

“You could hire someone,” Crow continued. “After all, all she has to do is sit for a portrait. Afterwards, she could simply disappear, and you could tell your people any story you wanted.”

“Each of us could bring you a candidate,” Bauld offered. “You could pick whichever one you like best for your painting.”

King Kitts considered the idea for a moment. “You know,” he said, “It’s a crazy idea, but maybe it could work.”

The more they all discussed the idea, the better it sounded, and eventually they made a plan. A week later, each of them would return to the King’s castle with a lady who might make a good fake queen. Kitts couldn’t help being curious to meet them.

When the noblemen brought their candidates back to the castle the next week, Kitts took a few minutes to get to know each of them. First he met the lady that Duke Hill had brought: her name was Erica, and she was a drummer in Sunderland’s well-respected drum corps, of which Hill was the captain. She was cheerful and funny, which Kitts liked, but she also had trouble staying still – which would be a problem while posing for a portrait.

Next came the lady that Count Bauld had brought from Mes Syhair: her name was Valerie, and was a musician in Bauld’s court. She was poised and elegant, perfect for a royal portrait, but she was also very quiet, and Kitts wasn’t sure if he wanted to pose for hours with someone with whom he wouldn’t be able to talk much. She was also a lady of moderate importance, which meant she was more likely to be recognised after her so-called disappearance.

After her came the lady that Marquis Hooper had brought. Her name was Catharine, and she worked as a scribe in the messenger service that Hooper ran. She was very nice, and certainly more talkative than Valerie had been – too talkative, in fact. Kitts worried that if he posed for a portrait with her, he’d never get a word in edgewise.

Next was the lady that Lost Boy Crow had brought from his mysterious forest. Her name was Mira, and while he liked her, King Kitts couldn’t be sure that she wasn’t fae. She seemed to be as mischievous and unpredictable as Crow himself – which Kitts thought probably made her a very entertaining friend, but maybe not the ideal fake queen.

Last was the lady that Baron Grace had brought: her name was Eva, and she was a gentle farm woman from Flor. She worked Flor’s famous fields, growing and harvesting flowers year-round, and she was sweet and clever. Kitts liked her, but unfortunately, she was covered with pollen from her work, and when they sat together he couldn’t stop sneezing. That would be no good when it came to posing together for hours.

“I can’t believe none of these nice women will work as my fake queen,” King Kitts lamented. “What am I going to do?”

“Perhaps you should go speak to your painter,” Hooper suggested. “He’s very talented – maybe he can make up a queen from scratch, without using a model.”

“Maybe,” Kitts agreed with a sigh. But he didn’t have any better ideas, so he decided to go speak with Master Payne.

King Kitts found his painter in the painting studio, drinking tea with a young lady. “King Kitts!” Master Payne said in surprise. “I wasn’t expecting you!”

“That’s okay,” Kitts assured him. “Is this a friend of yours?”

“Yes, sir,” Master Payne answered. “This is my friend Cassidy. Cassidy, this is King Kitts.”

“It’s nice to meet you,” Cassidy said, and her bright smile and friendly attitude gave King Kitts an idea.

“It’s nice to meet you too,” he answered, grinning. “Tell me, Cassidy, would you like to be a fake queen?”

Cassidy and Master Payne looked at the king in confusion, and he explained the whole plan. He had come to see if Master Payne could make up an imaginary fake queen, but Cassidy seemed like a great candidate – she was pleasant to talk to, poised and polite. How would she like to pose for the painting and then disappear for a while with a handsome sum of money?

Cassidy laughed; she thought it sounded like fun. Pleased to have finally found his fake queen, Kitts asked Master Payne to get started right away.

When the painting was done, King Kitts took it to his advisors. “Who is the woman sitting with you?” they asked him.

“That’s my queen,” he explained. “Well, my fake queen. I hired her to pose with me for the portrait. We can tell the people that she’s my fiancée, and then we’ll say she got sick and died, or something. She’ll take the money and disappear.”

“We would much rather you have a real queen,” complained the advisors.

“But I’m not gonna find one in the next two weeks,” King Kitts argued. “This seems like a good substitute, don’t you think?”

The advisors talked and grumbled amongst themselves for a few minutes. They didn’t seem impressed with the plan, but eventually they turned back to him. “Fine,” one of them said. “But she can’t appear only in the painting. The people have to see her once or twice before she disappears, or they’ll never believe the story.”

“What if she comes with me to the jousting tournament?” Kitts asked. “Lots of people will see us there.”

“That will work,” another one of the advisors agreed. “And then she disappears, as thoroughly as possible.”

“Perfect,” King Kitts said.

Cassidy thought that going with King Kitts to the jousting tournament sounded like a great deal of fun. The two of them got along well, they had learned while posing together, and so they looked forward to the tournament.

Two weeks later, King Kitts and Cassidy arrived together at the big Sunderland jousting tournament. They took their seats at Kitts’ special table and settled in to enjoy a big meal and a night of entertainment. The two of them swapped jokes and laughed together as they watched the musical and comedy acts leading up to the main event.

Right before the first jousting match began, King Kitts’ advisors unveiled the new painting. After polite applause from throughout the arena, the painting was mounted and displayed near the arena door so that audience members could come and take a closer look.

Throughout the evening, people from all over Sunderland lined up for their turn to inspect the new painting of their king. To their surprise, many of them recognised the young woman sitting beside him: “She comes into my butcher shop every week,” one man observed. “She lives next door to my son,” said an older woman. “She used to look after my children every day after school!” someone else said.

The people of Sunderland turned their eyes to King Kitts at his royal table, curious, and saw that it was indeed the same young lady who was sitting with him there. The pair seemed to be enjoying themselves quite a lot.

King Kitts was approached by one of his palace staff partway through the tournament. “Excuse me, Your Majesty,” he interrupted quietly.

“Hi, David,” King Kitts greeted him. “What can I do for you?”

“Well, Your Majesty,” David answered, “It seems that the people don’t believe that Miss Cassidy is really your queen-to-be. Too many of them recognise her as a common person like themselves.”

King Kitts’ advisors, sitting nearby, got to their feet in a hurry. “This is terrible!” they exclaimed. “Your Majesty, this plan has gone all wrong!”

“What are people saying about it?” Kitts asked.

“Actually, Your Majesty,” David admitted, “they quite like seeing you befriending one of their own. They all think it’s wonderful that the two of you are having such fun together.”

King Kitts grinned and turned to his advisors. “Look at that!” he said. “The people of Sunderland love my new portrait, and now my new friend doesn’t need to disappear after all!”

The advisors frowned, displeased with this turn of events, but before they could say anything, someone shouted from the seats behind them. “King Kitts!”

Kitts turned around and waved cheerfully at the audience members in the row behind his royal table. “Hello!”

“King Kitts, your new portrait is excellent!” they cried. “And Miss Cassidy looks lovely! You two look like you’re having a great time tonight!”

“We are!” King Kitts answered, and the people clapped.

“I think that was a neighbour of mine from childhood,” Cassidy commented.

King Kitts turned back to his advisors and shrugged, spreading his hands. “It looks like things worked out in everyone’s favour,” he said.

The advisors exchanged glances, still unhappy, but they couldn’t disagree: the people of Sunderland looked delighted with their king’s newfound friendship. They returned to their seats, reluctantly agreeing that Cassidy didn’t have to disappear after all.

King Kitts and Cassidy were able to enjoy the rest of their evening without interruption, and continued to be good friends for many years, bonding over good humour and a love for dogs. Cassidy was always glad to accompany King Kitts to jousting tournaments and other events when his noble friends were busy, and the people of Sunderland loved watching their friendship flourish.