This is a legacy blog post, originally from my previous website, Mouse House Blog. To see more MHB posts, check out the MHB tag here on my blog.
So a few days ago when I wrote that 2017 so far post, I mentioned that I’d recently fallen in love with a band called flor and was excited for their show in Toronto on Wednesday night.
I was super hormonal yesterday for reasons I hope I don’t have to explain, but I don’t think that’s any more than half of the reason I burst into tears every time I thought about the show for more than three seconds. (I haven’t cried yet today, so maybe I got it all out of my system, or maybe I’ll cry again later – that seems more likely.) I cried on the way home on Wednesday night, I cried more times yesterday than I can count – I sobbed over dinner when my dad asked about the show after not having seen me all day. Last night while making my notes for this post I had to stop to cry twice. None of it has been bad crying though – just totally overwhelmed, full-of-so-many-emotions crying. That show meant a lot to me.
This is my lock screen now.
Last year when I saw Motion City Soundtrack, I was seeing my then-favourite (and, believe me, still favourite-tier) band after a rough year. This time I was seeing my now-favourite after an even rougher one. The two shows were both super important to me for different reasons, but the feelings they inspired in me were pretty similar. I was right when I predicted that this show would be to this summer what MCS was to last summer, even if it’s in a different way: Motion City Soundtrack was a confidence booster for me, proof that sometimes I can be totally okay even when I’m alone, evidence that I can feel like part of a community amongst strangers. It was also a bittersweet goodbye. On Wednesday, flor was a morale booster in the midst of depression, it was hope and happiness and looking forward to the future – a grateful beginning with so much yet to come. I can’t wait to be a flor fan for years.
Like I mentioned in my last post, I haven’t been aware of flor for a really long time – I learned about them when they opened for Hayley Kiyoko in Toronto in late March, just over two months ago. But I looked them up the next day after really enjoying their performance and I was in love instantly. I’ve listened to them almost exclusively in the time since – I’m like that; I’ve always been like that with my favourite music. It drives the people around me nuts, but I can listen to my favourite thing (be it one song or a band’s whole discography) endlessly and constantly and never get tired of it. In these two months flor has carried me through some rough things, namely the end of a semester I wasn’t convinced I’d survive. They’ve also provided inspiration and motivation when I was starting to lose steam. I wrote a lot of fanfiction in the first few months of 2017, but when I transitioned into original work again I started to slow down. The release of “come out. you’re hiding” launched me into a new, totally unexpected story that I can’t stop working on – I’m totally in love with it, it’s so much fun to write, and I can’t wait to see where it takes me.
I love flor for a lot of reasons. They’re very different from MCS, but my taste has never been consistent anyway. The music is chill and vibey and hopeful and emotional and, broadly, just really beautiful; it gets caught in my head all the time, in the good way. I wake up humming their songs several days a week. And, like MCS, the lyrics get right down into the core of me and resonate there; they pluck at my heartstrings and make me feel. The feelings and experiences they write about aren’t just things I can see or understand; they’re things I have felt, things I still feel all the time. They make sense to me down on a deep inside level I can’t explain. They’re only the second band to get inside my heart that way, and it really is an incredible feeling. I can listen to flor any time I want to, as well: I can get completely lost in their music, or I can put it on while I’m writing just as background. That’s pretty significant – I’m picky with writing music, because I can’t focus when it’s dead quiet, but I’m also easily distracted by almost anything with any words at all. The fact that I can listen to flor any time, for any reason, is kind of cool for me, because I’ve never had that experience with any band or artist before. No one has ever been this multifunctional for me. I don’t know if they’re really different or if something has changed with me, but it’s amazing either way.
Taking decent pictures at a concert on your phone is very hard. Zach’s hair makes it even harder.
Right now I just really want to talk about this show, and try to write down and remember everything about it. That’s one of the most obvious ways that my usually-mild OCD manifests: I’m fixated on remembering things exactly how they happened, in as much detail as possible – especially things that were important to me. It’s why I write down the setlist during a show and make a playlist of it later. I don’t know why I’m like this, but it’s been a part of me for as long as I can remember. I don’t know how meaningful this post will be to other people when they read it, especially if they don’t know the band, but it’s important to me to write it all down and share.
My boyfriend, Keynan, came over in the afternoon so we could eat dinner and get the train into Toronto, then take the subway and the bus to arrive at our destination a little early. (After the size of the line at the Hayley Kiyoko show in March, it seemed like a good idea.) We were in the first dozen or so people to arrive, and as a result we were able to get right up to the front of the venue – once flor came onstage there was only one person between me and the band. It was a little venue and a little crowd; I’m terrible at estimating numbers but when I guessed later maybe a hundred people, Keynan thought that might even be shooting high. At various points before the show and during the break between the opening band and flor, members of the band walked right past me or I right past them – I didn’t see their frontman, Zach Grace, but I did see the others: McKinley Kitts, Kyle Hill, and Dylan William. That was… pretty wild, to be honest. It makes sense for a small band in a small venue, but still, it was cool to see them just running around or hanging out.
I try to be as cool as I can in these situations, because I know they’re just People Like Me, but I was already super anxious over the prospect of maybe getting to talk to them after the show, plus just really excited for the show in general. And it’s hard not to be excited/anxious/Full Of Feelings over the people who are responsible for art that means that much to you, especially if you’re already a diagnosed, capital-A Anxious person. Ask my dad what I was like after meeting Alan Tudyk or Nathan Fillion, two of the wonderful actors behind my all-time favourite television show, Firefly, at Fan Expo in the last few years: I was totally overwhelmed. Art gives my life so much meaning – I would argue it’s about 50% of what I live for, the other 50% being people. So the people who create the art that keeps me going are heroes to me, and I know they say you shouldn’t meet your heroes, but sometimes you do and it’s exactly what you hoped it would be.
This picture isn’t a great one, but now I have every band member in the post.
Because I got to stand right up at the front, Zach was about six feet away from me for most of the show. It was amazing being so close to everything, to be able to get so lost in the experience. I’ve had a lot of days lately that I don’t really feel like myself, or that I just can’t relax or focus on anything properly. To get right up next to something that mattered so much to me and be able to forget about everything that has been hard or distracting or disheartening, to just be part of this without having to give any thought to how or to who I was, felt so, so good. I don’t know how to explain that. I don’t know if you’ve ever been depressed or what that is/was like for you, but 90% of the time lately I’m not me and I really have to think just in order to act like me. During this show I didn’t have to think at all, I just was. I needed that badly.
After the show I had to go sit down for a minute to breathe and psych myself up. McKinley, Kyle, and Dylan came out into the room and started chatting with people as part of the crowd filtered out, and I was already trying to figure out how to approach one of them. I had an envelope in my bag with a letter I’d written to them to say what an impact they’d had on me, and a really simple drawing I had put together. I kind of wanted to have more than that, but I ran out of time. Then all of a sudden Zach popped out in front of me and started talking with someone, and I so badly wanted to speak to him that I jumped out of my seat and stood waiting at a respectful distance, practically vibrating with nerves. Probably because he’s the voice of the band, so to speak, and I know that a lot of the songs on the album are about his feelings in particular, I felt like I just really needed to say hello and tell him how much the music means to me.
Oops – there we go, I’m crying again. I knew it would come.
My drawing skills are rusty and I know where the mistakes are here, but I still think it’s pretty decent, all things considered. I hope they liked it!
Zach spoke to a few other people before turning towards me, and for a second I think I lost my words. In retrospect I feel like I may have been awkward and a bit rambly, but Keynan – who mostly just stood back and let me talk, because he likes the band but really he came to the show for me – insists I did a good job. I can tell you that Zach Grace must be one of the sweetest human beings alive. I gave him the envelope and told him what was inside; he asked me whether he should open it now, but I said it could wait, because despite my efforts to be succinct the letter I’d written was two pages long. I got to tell him about falling in love with flor at Hayley Kiyoko’s show, and about how I’d had a bit of a hole in my heart since MCS parted ways but flor seems to have filled it. “I’m so glad we snugged right in there,” he told me, with that bright wonderful smile he has, and I think I short-circuited. Ahead of time I hadn’t been sure how much I’d get to say, because I didn’t know how many people would be waiting, but I felt like I had a minute, so I told him quickly about the story I was writing based on the album. He said he wanted to read it and I should tweet it to him when it’s done – I think that alone is going to carry me through another week yet. (I’m really trying to power through the writing now; I want to finish the short version soon so I can send it to him…) We got a few pictures, and then I stepped back to let the next people talk to him. At that point I was pretty wobbly and kind of melted into Keynan; I could already feel myself tearing up. I would have liked to talk to the other guys as well if I could have, but at least I got to give Zach my letter for them. Keynan could tell I was overwhelmed and led me outside and I really wasn’t present enough anymore to object; and to be fair, talking to the others might have actually killed me.
This is now my Facebook profile pic forever.
We got out front and I was shocked out of crying by the sight of Nathan Dales – actor of my favourite character in Letterkenny – standing outside talking to someone. That was too much; my legs went out from under me and I sat down in the middle of the sidewalk. A worried Keynan pulled me into the bus stop to sit there instead, and Dales left before I recovered enough to even seriously consider approaching him, but that’s okay since that might well have killed me too.
I managed to cry four times on the train home, and four more before I went to sleep that night. And then I spent all of yesterday bursting into tears at random intervals. Hell, I tried to explain to my (very sympathetic) younger brother why I kept crying and I started crying. I’ve cried a lot. That show was the best few hours I’ve had in months – this and Hayley Kiyoko’s show in March have probably been some of the highest points I’ve had since late last summer – and it just made such a difference to me. I feel a little bit like I’ve come to life again. Phrasing it like that makes it sound like not that much, but believe me, it’s a lot. And I think it’s lingering.
After talking to Zach for maybe three minutes, I feel like I can confirm my previously-held suspicion that I’d give an arm and a leg just for a chance to make friends with him, should the universe be so inclined. Without having talked to the other three, I’d still probably offer up limbs for those opportunities, as well. Even just watching them interact with other fans, it was clear how friendly and kind all of them are. I feel lucky to be a fan of a band that is so nice and approachable and makes you feel so loved and welcome when you’re around them or even just listening to their music. They told us they love Toronto (and insisted they weren’t just saying that) and I really hope that means they’ll come back before too long, because I really, really want to keep enjoying their shows and maybe getting to say hi and thank you to them again. I’m still not great with crowds, or with Toronto, but it would be so worth going to see them, every time.
And that story I’m writing, both the short version and the planned-and-developing longer version – maybe it’ll turn out well this summer, maybe it’ll be the project I finish this year, maybe it’ll go somewhere and become something more. And maybe, maybe, maybe, one day I’ll be able to hand flor a copy of the long one and say “I was capable of this because of you. Thank you so much.”